As the World Turns

I took a teensy little break (I'm sure the world took notice and was worried) but I hope my overwhelmingly large readership was able to continue life nonetheless. Things have been pretty good around here. A few hiccups along the way but nothing major. I entered a new decade and - shockingly - nothing changed! Crazy, I know. I feel pretty much the same as before and certainly didn't grow a billion wrinkles and gray hair over night. I caved a few days before my birthday and added an anti-age/anti-wrinkle-probably-complete-bullshit-rip-off-cream to my daily "beauty regiment" (HAH!) but that's all the "major changes" that occured around here.

I have to be honest, I do feel a bit different, but not in a bad or panicky way. Part of me is really excited to finally be growing up. I kinda missed the train on that during my twenties but now I feel the need to let go of some of the demons that were steady companions throughout my twenties. Looking forward to settling down some more, hopefully starting a family, becoming a mom, continuing this wonderful relationship that I feel so blessed to have. Trying my hardest to be a bit more kind to myself, a bit more forgiving and finally start being ok with who I am, how I feel, look, act and once and for all quit trying to be someone I'm not just to impress others. Well, you know how it is, I'm saying this now but actually DOING IT is a whole different ballgame. So hopefully I'll be able to take on this new outlook on life and really LIVE it!  

Birthday itself was very nice. Had to work but at least got out at a somewhat decent hour and made it in time for my birthday dinner with Mr. D at one of our favorite spots, Sushi and Soul (http://www.sushi-soul.de/index_flash.html), in the Glockenbach area of Munich. We each had a delicious Bento Box and shared a bottle of red whine. After dinner we strolled through downtown which was nuts since it happened to be the one night of the year when all the stores in downtown Munich are open until midnight. So it was slightly packed :-) Mr. D made it a really special birthday for me - he went all out and decorated our apartment with balloons and streamers, a cake with 30 candles on it, sparklers and he made a banner for me from scratch! I should take some pictures of it and post them so you know just how awesome the birthday decorations were! Very nice evening indeed! He's a keeper, for sure!!! The celebration continued a week later at my parents' where we invited all the relatives for a small gathering and some good food. Great weekend, so nice to be home for a few days!

Now we're getting ready for a short impromptu getaway to Berlin since this coming Monday is a holiday here in Germany. So we're taking off on Friday afternoon and will take the car up to the capital. Should be taking us roughly 6 hours, which is doable. I'm mega-excited and we just decided on this two days ago, spur of the moment. Can't wait, I'm so in love with Berlin, I would move there in a heartbeat! Maybe Mr. D and I should just open up a little hot-dog shack up there and sell Munich sausages and pretzels and beer and become filthy rich...that's an idea right there...need to investigate some more...

Speaking of sausages and pretzels and beer: The two weeks of doom are currently upon us! Or, as most people call it, it's Oktoberfest time! Barf!!! (quite literally actually) Since Mr. D and I happen to live two blocks away from the Theresienwiese, the area where once a year the world-(in)famous Oktoberfest takes place, we truly know what it means when it's that time again! The Oktoberfest attracts millions of people every year from all across the globe. All hotels are booked and charge horrendous prices. Public transportation is hopelessly overcrowded, which kinda sucks when you get out of work at 5:30 pm and just want to go home and have a few minutes of peace and quiet. Well, let me tell you, getting into the subway during those days is and adventure in and of itself! It is completely insane!!! People get wasted beyond anything I have EVER experienced and foreigners are always the most drunk since they totally underestimate the alcohol content of the Oktoberfest beer (6%!). Every morning when I leave the house there is puke, broken beer bottles and trash everywhere and people aren't afraid to pee just about anywhere they like. Last year we had an almost comatose guy laying in our driveway, passed out next to his own puke - not the nicest of sights at 9 am in the morning! Well, on Sunday evening Mr. D and I took the camera and strolled across the Oktoberfest and got some really good shots, I'll try to put a few up later this week. Monday is the last day of the Oktoberfest and then there will be harmony again around these parts! :-)

Whew, this got kind of long, but there's nothing wrong with a little update, right? So until next time I wish you all happy days and remember: Too much drinking kills braincells, lots and lots of braincells!

xoxo
Franziska

Snap back to reality

"What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore..." (Langston Hughes)

A somewhat rocky weekend ended in a conversation I wish I hadn't been part of, a conversation I wish had never taken place. But it did and in reality I already knew everything that was said before either one of us made a sound. I'm a master of living in my own head, my own little world where I can create alternate versions of reality, versions that make me happy...

Reality: I want a child. Somewhat soon. As in: I wouldn't mind becoming pregnant at 30 or 31. Which would leave us with a time frame of roughly two years. I am turning 30 in less than two months. Mr. D says he wants a child as well - possibly, maybe - but not for a good while.

And that's where my version of reality and the real version of reality clash. We had the baby talk before, about a year ago. It didn't go so well then, so I decided to keep my mouth shut and ovaries quiet for a while. Tonight, for whatever godforsaken reason I figured that this was THE moment to bring it up again. Well, wrong! Terrible timing, still no changes in thinking on the other person's part. But unfortunately the discussion went a little further below the belt today than I was ready for and it became very obvious that there will be no babies at 30 or 31. Definitely not! Probably not at 33 either. Maybe not ever...

Something somewhere inside of me died tonight. Maybe it was that little flicker of hope I'd been hanging onto in my blind baby-fog. Maybe I've been reading way to many baby blogs lately to keep a clear, level-headed mind (not my strong department). Maybe things have been going really well the last two years, we live together, we both have well-paying jobs and don't bum around all day. Maybe, maybe, maybe... Lots of maybes. Maybe I just thought we were ready to slowly begin talking about what could possibly happen in the not so distant future.

But not yet... Until then life as we know it will go on and maybe someday will be the right time for dreams to become reality...

Teacher Woman

As I’m sitting here at my desk in this office at this mind-numbing job that I’ve slowly learned to hate I am really wondering where I’m going with this thing called work. I know it cannot be this for much longer, I can feel my own brain rotting within my skull with every senseless, dull minute that ticks by. When I started this job almost two years ago I did so intentionally, knowing full well what it means to work a 9-5, walk into an office every day and sit in front of a computer screen for 8 hours straight. When I moved back to Germany two years ago with my life torn up and in shambles, still reeling from my divorce and basically starting from zero once again, this was exactly the type of job I needed because I knew this was all I would be able to handle for quite a while. I needed something that would pay the bills while requiring very little of me besides functioning and taking orders. Very predictable, low key, do what you’re told and don’t ask questions.

Today is a different day, a different life, finally MY life again. So what fit my emotional needs two years ago does not fulfill them any longer. Back then I was a train wreck and thankful to have found a secure and stable position after being gone and out of the German job market for nearly ten years. Although it wasn’t what I really wanted I was content to just be working again. I was convinced to be back to teaching kids with special needs very soon and didn’t gripe over it.

Well, come to find out my teaching degree from the beautiful state of Connecticut, which I worked really goddamn hard for and aced despite every freakin roadblock they threw in my way (ever tried to pay your way through college after your work permit was denied because No you can’t work in this country, why do you ask, you’re not a permanent resident or a citizen so you have no rights whatsoever but please go right ahead and pay your taxes anyway), doesn’t mean shit in Germany!

I went to school full-time for five years, worked for more than half of that time after finally receiving permission to work, spent countless hours in classrooms and then finally, in January 2008 was allowed to stand in my own classroom and teach my own class. And while nothing I ever learned in any class or seminar or internship or student teaching could have possibly prepared me for what I experienced as a teacher I was hooked nonetheless. I knew I still seriously lacked in the experience and knowledge department and I rarely ever got through those pesky lesson plans but you know what?! Who gives a crap about lesson plans when you have a 16-year-old teenage boy sitting in front of you who looks like he’s 12, acts like he’s 5, was addicted to drugs before he was even born and has been to more than 14 different out-of-home placements, none of which were successful? I didn’t. And neither did they. A lot of the kids I’ve encountered in those few years of teaching didn’t even live on the same planet as me. Not because they didn’t want to but because they couldn’t. So instead of forcing somebody down into your own world where everything may make sense to YOU, go take a trip to their world and speak their language and everything else will eventually fall into place.

So I guess what I’m really trying to say with this long-winded, ranty and angry post is this: I miss teaching, helping, guiding. I miss being creative and trying to find 1001 new ways of getting something across so everybody in their own little world can understand the message. I miss being around children who are always real and brutally honest and are not driven by raking in as much money as possible while letting others bleed for it. I miss being challenged every day and having a good reason to go to work. So today, two years after rock bottom it is my time to finally get my ass in gear. It is time to get up, walk out of here and never look back. It is time to be ME again…

So until next time I wish you all blue skies full of endless possibilities...
Love,
Franziska

Winding Down

After a really assholish day at work we've finally hit the couch and I figured it's time for a little something light and fluffy to round things out on a good note. Last Saturday downtown Munich was hustling and bustling as it was once again hosting one of my all-time favorite events of the entire summer - Christopher Street Day! After sleeping in and being lazy bums all morning we finally got our shit together, took the bikes and hit downtown. The gods must have had a gay streak that day because the weather was killer and the sun beating down from a perfectly blue sky and not a cloud in sight. Starting at noon the parade was leaving from the main square, also known as Marienplatz, and snaked its way through the Altstadt (old town). It was a freaking zoo, streets completely packed with half-naked men and ladies looking like dudes, drag queens on heels so high my ankles hurt just from watching and lots and lots of leather-clad guys and gals tied up in chains and wearing latex dog masks. Hell yeah, I love me some CSD!!!



Clearly having a good time!



Captain Latex - Front and...



...Back!

Rainbow Pride



My favorite for sure!



Showing some love...

After circling back around to the main square the parade culminated in a huge party at the Rindermarkt but it was so insanely packed and I constantly felt like I might get raped by a pack of hungry lesbians that we decided to call it a night and had a very chilled and relaxing time at home, just the two of us. And I didn't feel like we missed out one bit :-)

So until next time I wish you all blue skies and lots of rainbows!
Love,
Franziska

Let’s get this show on the road, shall we…?

[Day One – Introductions]

Today I’m finally gonna give this a shot after internally debating – for MONTHS(!) – all the ins and outs, potential hazards, failures, successes and, and, and…of putting it all out there (I kid you not!). So I am testing the waters, folks, I hope you’re with me on this ride. Knowing me it will cover any and all emotions ranging from depression central to downright fucking hilarious (well at least in my own little world I find myself funny as hell sometimes).

Oh, disclaimer: There will be some swearing here, probably a good amount but I’ll try to keep it to a lady-like minimum. Although English is not my first language (much more about that later) I am among those blessed people who can (and occasionally do like to) swear like a sailor in two languages – German and English (bilingual swearing is the new black they say). But again, we’ll get to that a bit later on.

Since I am one of those severely technologically challenged people this little blog of mine is clearly still under construction and may look a bit skeletal and crappy for a while longer but I’m going to get there eventually. So bear with me as I navigate my way through this (still quite) scary blogosphere, helpful (as in: not smartass) hints, comments, suggestions etc. are always welcome.

To round this out I’ll give you some bite-size pieces of information about me, just enough to feed that first appetite and keep you yearning for more (yes, that is SO going to happen…).

So this is...

[Me]

I live in Munich, Germany, and getting way too close for comfort to that decade starting with a 3 in front. I spent almost all of my twenties living in the US, Northeast to be exact, but now I'm back to my roots and very happy with that decision (not because I hate the US - I don't - but because I've finally come full circle). I share my life, love and living quarters with Mr. D as we'll call him for now. Our story is as unusual and unlikely as it is insane and you'll be hearing all about it! We've been together for just over two years now and haven't taken that next step toward an addition quite yet. We both agree on wanting to start a family but right now we are soaking in our time together, just the two of us. My family means everything to me. One of the perks of being back in Germany is the ability to see them whenever I want to. For a very long time that was not an option and family time was boiled down to once a year at the most. So I truly cherish every moment I have with them. I'm a special educator but currently not working in my field thanks to ridiculous German laws. I hope to be back to doing what I truly love very soon. For the time being I'm working for the sake of making money. I'm doing the 9-5 so I can live the life I want to live - outside of work. 

Traveling is one of those things I work for. I love seeing the world, experiencing different people, places, cultures. Mr. D has been bringing out my adventurous side and I am thrilled to see it blossom along with my confidence. I love words and writing and I'm a huge sucker for photography. Although I haven't invested the necessary time or energy into becoming any good with the camera myself I am lucky to be surrounded by very talented people and I hope to turn this into something more myself one day.

I don't know yet where I will be taking this blog or where it's gonna take me. For now it is my creative outlet that I will use to share, rant, ask, interact and hopefully meet many wonderful (and slightly crazy) people out there!

So until next time I wish you all blue skies and cotton candy clouds...
Love,
Franziska